Tuesday, August 16, 2011


I am a psychoanalyst's ideal patient.  With a four-year-old boy who insists on wearing his Batman costume almost everywhere, it isn't really surprising that I've been having superhero dreams.  I had this gut wrenching dream Sunday night about Emmett and I being superheroes together in some kind of X-men type of school where we couldn't talk, but he kept giving me the Vulcan live ling and prosper symbol which actually meant "I love you."  Talk about romantic.  Wow.  Apparently, not only do I have undiscovered superpowers, but I am a closet trekky.  Sweet.  My subconscious is awesome!

I have been having trouble dwelling richly in the word lately.  During the break, it was easier to quiet my spirit and settle into the rhythm of scripture.  With the start of school and Quinn having a cold, my time is more disjointed.  This morning, he woke early with a coughing fit, so I held him in bed and read Isaiah 5 out loud to him.  Not exactly kid material, but oh well.

After reading the letters of Paul, I've gone back to the prophets.  I wasn't really sure why, but I have found in these books a beautiful heart of brokenness for the nation of Israel that seems to reflect my own feelings.  Passages that used to make my eyes glaze over now seem to shimmer with brokenness and compassion.  I read Lamentations first, for no really good reason, and in it Jeremiah refers to himself as a man who has seen affliction.  I continue to marvel at how suffering of any sort, when accepted as the grace of God, opens my heart to truth.  As I read Isaiah's rebukes in chapter 5 to those who "run after their drinks," and "draw sin along with cords of deceit," and to "those who call evil good," I reacll Paul's reminders that I once dwelled in that life, and, but for the grace of God, would dwell there still.

I find myself as the school year begins, being constantly caught off guard by how the Lord opens my eyes to be compassionate by drawing me into the ugliness of sin.  At a very basic level I begin to understand how truly offensive even my smallest sins are, but then I find that awareness leaves my heart more gracious.  It is a strange irony to know how deeply sin offends my savior and yet to find that knowledge stirring in me a deeper love for sinners.  At the same time, the Lord is using the awareness of my own ugly heart to remind me that I am his beloved.  Just like Quinn's need to be held is most desperate after he has done wrong, so I also need the arms of my savior to hold me closest when I have most offended him.  I continue to wonder what kind of person I would be if I could see other people this way, as most in need of my love when they least deserve it.

The words of this song have been on my heart as a fitting summary of my thoughts and emotions.  I think I've shared them before on the Team Emmett blog, but they are worth repeating.  I'm praying this week for the weight of God's love to melt my pride.
"Hymn" by Jars of Clay
 Oh refuge of my hardened heart   
Oh fast pursuing lover come 
As angels dance 'round Your throne 
My life by captured fare You own 
Not silhouette of trodden faith 
Nor death shall not my steps be guide 
I'll pirouette upon mine grave 
For in Your path I'll run and hide
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride 
That I may in Your house but kneel 
And in my brokenness to cry 
Spring worship unto Thee
When beauty breaks the spell of pain 
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain 
But not when love be pointed king 
And truth shall Thee forever reign
Sweet Jesus carry me away 
From cold of night, and dust of day 
In ragged hour or salt worn eye 
Be my desire, my well sprung lye
[Chorus x 2] 
Spring worship unto Thee 
Spring worship unto Thee 


  1. Not to take away from the deeper aspects of this post, but if you ever decide to come out of the closet, I have 7 seasons of Star Trek: TNG I'd be happy to loan you. ;)

  2. I love this line: " I continue to wonder what kind of person I would be if I could see other people this way, as most in need of my love when they least deserve it." What an amazing challenge to my dull and selfish heart. It speaks to how lightly I take this grace freely offered to me. May my heart be so radically transformed by the gospel... Thanks for sharing your heart once again. Love you, friend!

  3. The love of God is amazing in that, when we think we've made progress on the journey, He gently points out how far we still have to go, while, at the same time, He grows our love for those who don't know Him. Beautiful post.

    And Matt would love to dwell in your subconscious if that is where X-Men and Star Trek characters roam. I'll stay over here if that's okay! :)

  4. so thankful for the gaze of Love that pours into your heart, Wendy, and spills over to touch ours.