I forget sometimes how much the Lord guards your heart in grief, protecting you from even your own harmful patterns of sin. Unfortunately, re-entry into reality is always too soon and incredibly painful. I have cried myself to sleep the past couple nights like a pressure valve having to let off steam so I don't explode. And I'm not saying that so you'll write me nice things to make me feel better about myself (please don't), but more that you'll know the intensity of spiritual warfare going on in my heart.
The blessing in suffering is that it brings with it an overwhelming desire for heaven, but the curse is that suffering constantly reminds us that we are not there yet. Old thought patterns and sinful tendencies are clamoring for my attention again, and my soul is wearied by the desire to just mentally check out. Sometimes just showing up for my own life is an act of faith greater than moving a mountain.
So I keep repeating Romans 8:1-2 and Hebrews 12:1 to myself:
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.Because right now it feels like I'm running a race with feet covered in blisters, and a healthy dose of perseverance, or perhaps just flat out stubbornness is what I need. But maybe it isn't really blisters that I'm feeling. When I run during the week, I start off my run listening to Phil Wickham's song, "Desire." The opening lines are:
I’m running through the gates of love, as fast as I canI really like that song, and now the words make me wonder if it's really blisters on my heart or if that's just how it feels when your heart is about to burst with longing for something you don't yet have. Probably a bit of both.
I can’t wait to see You cause I’m a desperate man
You made the light and sent it down
to show us who You are
Now It’s bursting out my heart
My desire is burning like a million stars
And I’ll keep reaching out, reaching out for You.