Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Restless

Each day brings a new memory of the man I loved, a picture or note or household object will send waves of emotion crashing over me, some sweet, some hard, like an old journal of Emmett's that I stumbled across the other day.  He had a habit of combining sermon notes, personal reflection, to-do lists, and drum charts in a way that still makes me smile.  I flipped through some of his thoughts about the loss of our daughter, about his desire for holiness or his longings for God.  Even as I set the journal aside in a small pile for Quinn, I was struck by the weight of desire.  Desire for Emmett, yes, but even more so a desire for things beyond my wildest imaginings.


I've been reading some from a very old book called The Ascent of Mt. Carmel by St. John of the Cross.  It speaks of desires apart from God, and how they strangle our love of God, preventing us from communion with our savior.  And somewhere along the line it occurred to me that one of the greatest blessings in grief is that it fully awakens our desires for all the right things.  And perhaps that is what God wants of us, after all, to hunger and thirst and pant and long for these right things.  


I know this, though, that while traveling, in faith, this path I never would have chosen for myself, I am becoming a new person.  And it is like climbing a mountain, to borrow the comparison used by St. John of the Cross.  Ages ago when I actually climbed rocks for fun, I would get to the point in the climb where my muscles would start spasming from the exertion.  I find myself now, spiritually at least, on one of those sheer rock faces with my muscles giving out and no hand holds to be found, and I am very thankful to be anchored by the promises of the one who cannot lie.  


I wonder though that I can be exhausted to the point of stupidity most days and yet find myself so restless.  I am restless for the arms of my savior, desperately homesick for a promise, and anxious for that joyful homecoming.  Every day I live, I understand more of what it means to be a stranger wandering in foreign lands, as it says in Hebrews 11:
All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
Right now my prayer is that I would not look back, that I would not long for what is behind me, but press on, with my heart's desire set on a better country -  a heavenly one.  Lord willing, may my heart continue to be restless until I reach that better country.


Phil Wickham's Heaven Song. 


You wrote a letter and You signed your name 
I read every word of it page by page 
You said that You'd be coming, coming for me soon 
Oh my God I'll be ready for You 


I want to run on greener pastures 
I want to dance on higher hills 
I want to drink from sweeter waters 
In the misty morning chill 
And my soul is getting restless 
For the place where I belong 
I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song 


I hear Your voice and I catch my breath 
'Well done my child, enter in and rest' 
Tears of joy roll down my cheek 
It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams 


I want to run on greener pastures 
I want to dance on higher hills 
I want to drink from sweeter waters 
In the misty morning chill 
And my soul is getting restless 
For the place where I belong 
I can't wait to join the angels and sing... 


I want to run on greener pastures 
I want to dance on higher hills 
I want to drink from sweeter waters 
In the misty morning chill 
And my soul is getting restless 
For the place where I belong 
I can't wait to join the angels and sing 
No, I cant wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song

Check out this song with the video of Emmett from the celebration service at: 

6 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing Wendy. And thank you for sharing the youtube video of Emmett. Love this song.

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  2. Praying for you today, as you walk a path you would not have chosen, yet God has set you upon because of His great love for you. It is at times a curious love to us, yet we walk by faith that is the best love we could ever know. We walk by faith in the promises of He who loves us most.

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  3. Your words ring more than true: "...one of the greatest blessings in grief is that it fully awakens our desires for all the right things. And perhaps that is what God wants of us, after all, to hunger and thirst and pant and long for these right things." Yes. Yes. Yes. Amen.

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  4. These words rung true to me after the loss of my father, now they resonate even deeper, after the recent loss if my best friend, Joe. I take comfort, knowing the loves of my life are in better places, free of pain and worry. Joe's loss has brought me together with wonderful people, and have reminded me of love, and what is truly important. I am full of greif, I do not know what to do with myself, but the love sooths me. I have love for you, and I hope it sooths you as well.

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  5. Praying that your desires continue to reach for the wildest, right things God has for you, and also for Quinn! Love and prayers for you.

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  6. Nancy said...Wendy, I have never met you but just wanted to know that through TEAM EMMETT...I have been praying for you all. We are long time friends with Mark and Julie Wood in Cumming, GA. I have been praying for you all since your first news of the cancer. I am the mother of a Youth Minister-Drummer just 2 years younger than Emmett. Just wanted to tell you THANKS for allowing us all to share with you both and just know that you and your family are in my prayers.

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