Love

When we lost Mallory, all I was capable of praying for about a week was, "Lord, I just need to know that you love me."  Something about grief, whether form loss or brokenness can only really be healed with with love.  I could cover up my brokenness by pretending I'm strong.  I suppose I could find lesser loves to distract me from the pain. But I want healing, deep soul changing satisfaction, and that I cannot have without the love of Christ.  And so right now my soul is echoing a very similar prayer to when we lost Mallory, but there is less panic and more peace this time around.  Though I do not enjoy the waves of emotion that cascade over me without warning, I embrace them, knowing I will not get lost in them.  


I've been somewhat drifting along in those prayers since losing Emmett, but I was reminded of some important truths last night at church where we're studying the impact of the gospel on our everyday lives.  If you're interested, you can listen to the series called "Everyday Gospel" here at http://gccnashville.org/resources/past-events/.  Our pastor reminded us in Romans 5:5 that "God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."  It was good to be reminded that the primary ministry of the Holy Spirit is to remind us that God has loved us completely, enough to die for us while we were still his enemies (vs. 8).  I am once again encouraged to see the amazing love of God as a beautiful love story, and for now, that is what I need.


So I keep going, encouraged by the reminders of God's love.  Knowing that when I do not walk in grief, I so often forget my need to be reminded of his love.  I continue to find these small blessings and realize that I am being held by the love of God.  I will close the words to a favorite hymn:

1. O Love that will not let me go,
   I rest my weary soul in thee;
   I give thee back the life I owe,
   That in thine ocean depths its flow
   May richer, fuller be.
2. O light that foll’west all my way,
   I yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
   My heart restores its borrowed ray,
   That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
   May brighter, fairer be.
3. O Joy that seekest me through pain,
   I cannot close my heart to thee;
   I trace the rainbow through the rain,
   And feel the promise is not vain,
   That morn shall tearless be.
4. O Cross that liftest up my head,
   I dare not ask to fly from thee;
   I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
   And from the ground there blossoms red
   Life that shall endless be.

(If you're interested, check out this version (one of my favorite arrangements) by a friend of ours at http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/ebenezer-a-collection-hymns/id441293354?ign-mpt=uo%3D4%2522%2520target%253D%2522itunes_store%2522 )