unwilling

October is the month where the season overlaps my schedule so that I drive to school with the sun rising behind me. I watch colors spread across the sky in my rearview mirror until I finally arrive to finish watching the sunrise over the new park across from my school. I am stilled for a moment by the beauty and brought to thanksgiving and praise in the midst of a difficult month.

October is also the season where I just want to quit: quit my job, quit my kid, quit my friends. The season may bring unusual beauty, but it also brings unusual pressure, and this jar of clay begins to crack as familiar sin patterns creep in. During such periods it is not laziness or lack of desire that keeps me out of the word, but rather a great trepidation. For if I know the words of God, the one who created and sustains the universe, and I claim to love them, then what does it say about me that I am so bad at following them? 

Isaiah has always been one of my favorite books of the Bible to read because, though it often come with great sorrow, the book is filled unimaginable hope. Many times I find myself praying Isaiah's words in chapter 6, "Woe is me for I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!” In prayer, I'm always tempted to add the phrase, "and because I have seen you Lord, I should be different, but I am not." Lately he has been pressing into my heart Isaiah 30:15:

For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” But you were unwilling, 

In the bustle of fall, the Spirit has pressed on my heart just how unwilling I have been; unwilling to trust, unwilling to be cleansed, unwilling to repent, unwilling to be made new. I told a friend at the end of September that I was coming out of a season of repentance, but in reality that season seems to have been just the prequel. There is a deeper repentance at work, and it is hard, ugly, and yet deeply beautiful. If October has given me anything, it has given me the willingness to die to self, and for that I am thankful.

I am also thankful that this is not the end of the story. Because of the Lord's great love not only are we not consumed, but we will also be restored.

A song you might love by Sandra McCracken here.

We will feast in the house of Zion. We will sing with our hearts restored. He has done great things, we will say together. We will feast, and weep no more. We will not be burned by the fire. He is the lord our God. We are not consumed by the flood, Upheld, protected, gathered up. We will feast in the house of Zion. We will sing with our hearts restored. He has done great things, we will say together. We will feast, and weep no more. In the dark of night, before the dawn, My soul be not afraid. For the promised morning, oh how long. Oh, God of Jacob be my strength. We will feast in the house of Zion. We will sing with our hearts restored. He has done great things, we will say together. We will feast, and weep no more. Every vow we've broken and betrayed You are the faithful one And from the garden to the grave. Bind us together, bring shalom. We will feast in the house of Zion. We will sing with our hearts restored. He has done great things, we will say together. We will feast, and weap no more. He has done great things, we will say together. We will feast, and weap no more.