tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19536371116246802942024-03-05T07:06:36.079-06:00The Sacrifice of a Broken SpiritWendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.comBlogger180125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-17463773578068459012016-12-17T21:28:00.002-06:002016-12-17T21:28:59.648-06:00forged<div style="text-align: right;">
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">For by one sacrifice he has made perfect</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-30148A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-30148A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> forever those who are being made holy</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Hebrews 10:14</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It's been six months. The world has been on fire with hatred and violence accelerating at new rates thanks to the internet, which also allows us to find like minded crazy people, set up camp, and anonymously troll everyone who might challenge our way of thinking. Lies are paraded as truth, and no one cares as long as it helps them win. Bullying is now an acceptable and applauded form of public discourse, and mobs (both physical and cyber) mete out judgment in a frenzied effort to string up any sane voice. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I don't know that I've ever wanted out of this circus more than I do right now. What more is there to say when people scour the internet for self-justification rather than truth, filing up their itching ears with whomever screams the loudest? </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">And so I have been quiet. I spent the summer painting the inside of my house, attending to details and willing myself to slow down, to be thorough and attentive. It was a spiritual exercise as much as a practical one. Somewhere in the frenetic pace of life as a single mom, I've lost the ability to be still. The hours of my past that were spent meditating or reading seem more like memories stolen from another person, and I am too long a stranger to my own self. So I have embarked on a journey of intentional activity. Since I can't escape doing, I am choosing to do those things which require my attention and practice, focusing me on perfecting the simple.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So today: puff pastry. It will probably take years to produce anything truly remarkable, particularly at my pace. Unlike so much of my cooking, puff paste requires my full attention as it is most unforgiving. A very complex process is built on the simple foundations of flour and butter. So I found myself kneading butter in bowl of ice cold water today, which is something I never knew people did.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The purpose of this kneading is to insure that the butter will stretch properly under the pressure of rolling and not simply crumble and break. Butter as it comes from the store has the characteristics of a casting: It is coarse-grained and easily broken. Butter which is to be used for puff paste, however, needs the qualities of a forged substance: elasticity and tensile strength. Hence the kneading underwater.</span></blockquote>
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Robert Farrar Capon, <i>The Supper of the Lamb: A Culinary Reflection</i> </div>
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Heretofore, I had never pondered the tensile properties of butter, but I was surprised to find how satisfying it is to simply snap a stick of butter in half. Really, you should go try it right now. Because it feels like it should be as difficult as, say, ripping a phone book in half, but it is surprisingly easy, and therefore quite satisfying. Massaging it into an elastic lump under freezing cold water, though, may have given me early arthritis. I thought there were only eight corners on a stick of butter, but it turns out that there are about 57. You can feel their rigid edges in the lump of butter like stubborn little tumors, nearly impossible to squash into submission. And then suddenly you either find yourself holding a smooth billet of butter or your hands have gone completely numb, and you can't feel the lumps anymore. Either way, you happily move on to the next step.</div>
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Somewhere between the painful loss of feeling in my fingers and the odd experience of massaging butter underwater, I returned to one of my favorite verses in Hebrews, quoted above. Although I have often recited this verse to myself, I didn't have a good metaphor to understand what was happening. How could I be made perfect already but not yet be holy? That tension is the source of so much of my grief, and yet I found my metaphor in the butter. Like the butter, I have been cast in Christ's image, covered by his blood, clothed in his righteousness, but I also am coarse-grained and easily broken. What has been cast must now be forged. And that is what the Lord is doing, squashing all my impossible edges into submission, growing my elasticity and tensile strength.</div>
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And the result is peace and discontent, joy and sorrow, fullness and hunger. A whole stockpile of paradoxes on which it is possible to navigate this modern chaos with hope, to bear the world's agonies with the strength of the cross, and to cultivate true hunger in the face of deceitful affluence.</div>
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In this vale of sorrows, we should be careful about allowing abundance to con us out of hunger. It is not only the best sauce; it is also the choicest daily reminder the the agony of the world is by no means over. As long as the passion goes on, we are called to share it as we can - especially if, by the mere luck of the draw, we have escaped the worst pains of it. Do all you can to help of course; but don't, for all that, forget that you are also called simply to bear. In the end the agony lies too deep for any cure except the cross. Fast, therefore, until His Passion brings the world home free. He works through any crosses He can find. In a time of affluence, fasting may well be the simplest of all.</blockquote>
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Robert Farrar Capon, <i>The Supper of the Lamb: A Culinary Reflection</i> </div>
Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-17184467128110536812016-06-09T22:55:00.001-05:002016-06-09T22:55:54.240-05:00Rivers of joy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXARAi6HiOx0a-Vvv3DG_a6wfENePn6N2h112ELyCjcbYX9Phdd19gbrNZiuWuaduygQAePE_MXmQhEwL6s-Kk26gIA4dSs2GUJ6ijcA_YXPqAL0Y5gx8ZH0g9p_aT5GYNnWwHJHplgS5m/s1600/IMG_3199.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXARAi6HiOx0a-Vvv3DG_a6wfENePn6N2h112ELyCjcbYX9Phdd19gbrNZiuWuaduygQAePE_MXmQhEwL6s-Kk26gIA4dSs2GUJ6ijcA_YXPqAL0Y5gx8ZH0g9p_aT5GYNnWwHJHplgS5m/s320/IMG_3199.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Foster Falls</div>
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"I will sing of your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy."</div>
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-jars of clay</div>
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Sitting in the hammock with Quinn tonight on my first real day of summer break may very well be one of my sweetest memories of this whole year. Catching fireflies, chatting about his favorite games, and just snuggling while it got dark... these moments get you through the sleepless nights and the difficult days. </div>
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I've traveled these past few years. I've worked hard. I've written and read and studied. I've held fast in grief to a hope I often could not feel. But I've also laughed and loved and grown and danced and been silly. Through all of it deep rivers of joy have been carving their canyons in my soul, deeper even than grief or sorrow.</div>
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And today, when looking back on the past five years, I can let the sorrow mingle with joy until they're almost indistinguishable, wrapped up in God's love and faithfulness on this crazy adventure. So thank you for your prayers and notes and texts and many, many kindnesses. I am reminded daily of the power in small acts of kindness to help others hold fast in difficult times. May we be each other's cup of cold water today, encouraging each other to hold fast to the one who is faithful.</div>
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<span style="mso-fareast-language: JA;">Let us draw near with
a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from
an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the
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Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-73608463921695798612016-04-29T11:36:00.000-05:002016-04-29T11:36:01.931-05:00old lady suitTwice a week I stand at the edge of the pool and wonder what crazy notion ever made me think this was a good idea. There are treadmills or pilates classes or even just a good old fashioned book to occupy my time while Quinn swims, and yet I drag myself to that pool edge every Monday and Wednesday afternoon, dreading the shock of cold water as I put on my cap and goggles. The matron in the swim shop tried to convince me my suit was for "older ladies," and I should consider something younger with wilder patterns or lower cuts. She doesn't know that I've been an old lady since I was born, and neon geometric patterns stretched across my mom abs aren't going to fool anyone about the state of my body. I watch the lap clock tick away seconds as the old lady suit and I wait for just the right time to dive in. You'd think it would get easier, but it doesn't.<br />
<br />
The earth is once again showing off her extravagant beauty after the chilling grayness of winter, and I am saying goodbye to another group of students. As perhaps one of the hardest and most rewarding years I might ever see in my career, I am both relieved and sad to see it end. I've lost count of the number of students I've ushered through this stage of life and onto the next one, but these past couple of years have been filled with students who love learning, enjoy science, and want to engage in the difficult questions about truth and reality. They enter into the realness of life with all its troubled chaos, and I am reminded of this Roosevelt quote, popularized recently by Brene Brown:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: JA;">“It is not the critic
who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where
the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man
who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there
is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do
the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself
in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high
achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring
greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who
neither know victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt</span></blockquote>
I find myself standing on a different edge as I relinquish some of my roles at work to focus more of my time and energy on parenting. The busy schedule came with many accolades and much attention, so it is tempting to stay the course. But this is a season of change, and I feel it no less than my students. The coming year will have more quiet, more rest, more work, and less attention. Yet for me it is the more difficult route. I am ready to start on some new projects, and I'm in desperate need of rest, but stillness is a much more challenging temptation for me than work. Nevertheless, I will put on my old lady suit, drag myself to the edge, and jump in. Because that is my next arena, and I have no desire to sit on the sidelines.Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-68991522131149972182016-02-21T08:19:00.002-06:002016-02-21T08:19:14.949-06:00Angry voiceI had one of those awkward parenting moments the other day when Quinn was acting out with a bad attitude that was quickly spiraling out of control at someone else's house. It was one of those situations where there is no solution that isn't awkward and embarrassing. I had been patient and sweet and gently redirecting and loving and encouraging and all those other qualities parents in TV commercials seem to possess in infinite amount. But it wasn't working, so I yanked him outside and whipped out my angry voice and lit into him. And it worked. Now, let me be clear, I focused on the behavior, not on shaming him or all those other things you're not supposed to do, but I put the fear of me into this child. He repented, said I'm sorry, and changed his attitude. Five minutes later he was his sweet, helpful self as if nothing had ever happened. I was flabbergasted that after all the gentleness in the world failed to correct his attitude, completely losing my calm worked like a charm.<br />
<br />
It is amazing that as a parent of only one child, I have all his one on one interaction with my son and still have no capacity to accurately predict how to talk to my child so that he hears me. Depending on his mood, his social interactions of the last 24 hours, and the weather in China, he can have any one of an infinite number of possible reactions to the same sentence in the same tone of voice. Parenting, it is hard work. Seriously. It's like trying to recreate a DaVinci masterpiece on a canvas that won't stop moving and has a tendency to spontaneously combust.<br />
<br />
Although really close to being finished with my read through of the histories and prophets, I've been significantly slowed by February. Not only is this the month of perpetually gloomy weather, I have to walk through the anniversaries of my daughter's birth and death as well as Emmett's diagnosis. Unfortunately, I also have exactly 4 days off this month while putting in quite a few 14+ hour days as well. Add single parenting into that mix, and February can potentially be a recipe for disaster.<br />
<br />
But it hasn't been. Quite the contrary, actually. A couple weeks ago, having been woken early full of thoughts and prayers for the day, I found myself driving to work at 6:30 AM having already bee awake for several hours. I was working through a difficult conversation in my head, when it struck me that in a few short hours I had experienced more emotions than most people have in a month. I burst out laughing and started praising God. Despite the numerous difficulties and long hours, my job affords me a front row seat to see God at work in so many people's lives. I see the hard and beautiful and sad and lonely. I see the struggles with mental illness and depression, and I see the victories and encouragements and so many moments that will make my students so amazing. I get to muck through the realness and rawness of life that so many people are missing.<br />
<br />
A glorious respite from the gloomy weather came this weekend, happily coinciding with one of my only days off. I was reading though Ezekiel when I cam across this passage from Ezekiel 20: 33-38 (ESV).<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="mso-fareast-language: JA;">“As I live, declares
the Lord God, surely with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm and with wrath
poured out I will be king over you.</span><b><span style="font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;"> </span></b><span style="mso-fareast-language: JA;">I will bring you out from the peoples and gather you out of the countries
where you are scattered, with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, and with
wrath poured out. And I will bring you into the wilderness of the peoples, and
there I will enter into judgment with you face to face. As I entered into
judgment with your fathers in the wilderness of the land of Egypt, so I will
enter into judgment with you, declares the Lord God. I will make you pass under
the rod, and I will bring you into the bond of the covenant. I will purge out
the rebels from among you, and those who transgress against me. I will bring them
out of the land where they sojourn, but they shall not enter the land of
Israel. Then you will know that I am the Lord.</span></blockquote>
The fierceness of God to be king over the hearts and minds of the Israelites, despite their unfaithfulness is both beautiful and terrible in this passage. Seriously. Read it again. Do I really want to call this god, my God? The God who does whatever it takes, however pleasant, to bring his people to a heart of repentance is more than a little terrifying.<br />
<br />
Despite the joy from really, finally flourishing in my job after so many year of patiently and faithfully and begrudgingly floundering, I still am convicted of my sin, perhaps now more than ever. Just the other day he brought something to my attention, as if he were saying, "Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, you choose." I ran so fast to repentance and prayer that I had to laugh at myself. Now this complicated issue involves how I speak to others, how I respond to their speech when it is not gracious, and how I lead students who are speaking ungraciously, so it is way beyond a simple correction. It involves patterns of my heart and years of attitudes and habits that need changing as well as a huge dose of wisdom beyond anything I can imagine.<br />
<br />
But I heard the conviction and I want to repent, and I started to pray about the situation because I don't want God to yank me outside and use his angry voice to lead me to repentance. Because he will if he needs to. I am his and he will allow no sin to remain in me unchallenged. I have heard God's angry voice in my own life as I hear it in this passage, and I am so thankful to have grown into a heart that, although not perfect, is learning to run towards repentance before the angry voice comes out.<br />
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Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-41985708258716557072016-02-08T22:24:00.000-06:002016-02-08T22:28:31.616-06:00clearI had a college moment this weekend, you know the times where you had so much work to do that you suddenly had an overwhelming desire to clean you room. Yep. That was my weekend. And, wow, my house was clean, and I mean spotless, but only for about twelve whole seconds because I do have an eight-year-old boy.<br />
<br />
The cleaning frenzy was a desperate attempt to clear my head. William Zinsser in his book <i>On Writing Well, </i>says, "Clear thinking becomes clear writing: one can't exist without the other." Writing is usually how I clear my head, but I've started a dozen blogs without being able to write more than a few sentences.<br />
<br />
I've been suffering the past few months from 3 AM anxiety attacks. I don't usually feel anxious, but for some reason my body has been waking up around 3 AM nearly every morning in a physical state of panic; heart racing, tightness in my chest, out of breath... Often I wake up anxious for a student, and those mornings don't really bother me. I just pray until my alarm goes off. Sometimes though, it's a bit ridiculous. Back in November I had one of these panic attacks because I had noticed Quinn's leopard gecko was looking a little off, and I wasn't sure if he was shedding or dying. I had a panic attack about a leopard gecko. I feel like that's a new low, even for me. The gecko was just shedding and completely fine by the way.<br />
<br />
Around the time of the gecko panic attack, someone pointed out that as a teacher I probably have upwards of three to four dozen interactions a day that require some kind of emotional processing. A lab group dynamic I don't like, a difficult conversation that needs to happen, an email I need to write, a student that needs correction, a curriculum quandary - all of these can happen in one day before most people have even had breakfast. And if teaching and coaching a hundred hormonal teenagers isn't providing enough fodder, there's always at least a dozen or so parenting failures to process. It would seem that I already have enough material to wake me up early for the rest of my life.<br />
<br />
I was reading through Daniel last week, and in response to the unpleasant vision of chapter 8, he says, "And I,
Daniel, was overcome and lay sick for some days. Then I rose and went about the
king's business, but I was appalled by the vision and did not understand
it."<br />
<br />
I sat with that verse for a minute. Then a day. Then a week.<br />
<br />
I have a hard time admitting that sometimes the knowledge of God, that his presence in my life is exactly what makes me heartsick. The news of refugees or trafficked women, the heartbreak of a student, my own sin... So much of this world - of my own heart, even - leaves me sick and appalled and awake at unreasonable hours of the morning because I know the one who has the power to fix these things and he has not yet done so. I am appalled by my own capacity for sin. Hearing about the evil in the world makes me physically nauseous. I deeply grieve the pain that my students inflict on each other. I know that after writing about my anxiety I may be assaulted by a barrage of well meaning people armed with random verses implying that if I really had faith, I wouldn't wake up at 3 AM, but somehow I know they are wrong.<br />
<br />
I am deeply grateful that God has not given me the appalling visions like he gave Daniel. Instead he has given me this life, my students, and this world, breaking my heart for each of these things. But he has also called me to get up and go about his business with my sick heart and weak knees and poor understanding. So I go forward without clear understanding, but perhaps with a little more faith.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzVYyCpUGvjAoc13tL9P9i8AUzY_nzURdPXS1pR9nYE9HrL44Q-rxjyA_Jdkf57aya9Wr0rDNegozx7XY82dzcw_BQRLPiP9uKatb33i_PyjUwaNYm9AApW4rsUxuk6sCHzZMxzZSmW6wT/s1600/IMG_2643.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzVYyCpUGvjAoc13tL9P9i8AUzY_nzURdPXS1pR9nYE9HrL44Q-rxjyA_Jdkf57aya9Wr0rDNegozx7XY82dzcw_BQRLPiP9uKatb33i_PyjUwaNYm9AApW4rsUxuk6sCHzZMxzZSmW6wT/s320/IMG_2643.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A citrus grove in Belize</div>
<br />
<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-76997717549854317842016-01-10T20:54:00.004-06:002016-01-10T20:56:21.041-06:00take care<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFiT_WuwIj8heGk38u2jpXXWSWUI8vreKBf9UiphD5Z-towlsNy-P4aAVBzVl0WW8gNlnJ4q2Te2LVLgAKrP8xb9MxtQ9z74tXiLmeWjfGXrOSfMFlGcSTfsFfJ4XP4OnEeWWjKDVtyKoA/s1600/FullSizeRender-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFiT_WuwIj8heGk38u2jpXXWSWUI8vreKBf9UiphD5Z-towlsNy-P4aAVBzVl0WW8gNlnJ4q2Te2LVLgAKrP8xb9MxtQ9z74tXiLmeWjfGXrOSfMFlGcSTfsFfJ4XP4OnEeWWjKDVtyKoA/s320/FullSizeRender-2.jpg" width="251" /></a></div>
<br />
Unfortunately becoming a better speller did not make my son's list of new year's resolutions, but the rest of these are pretty amazing. Apparently he is reliving my childhood angst of not being able to whistle, a skill I couldn't master until college.<br />
<br />
My notes for this year's advent devotional started with an excerpt from Jeremiah 3: 6-11:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
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The Lord said to me in
the days of King Josiah: “Have you seen what she did, that faithless one,
Israel, how she went up on every high hill and under every green tree, and
there played the whore? And I thought, ‘After she has done all this she will
return to me,’ but she did not return, and her treacherous sister Judah saw it.<b><span style="font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;"> </span></b>She saw that for all the adulteries of that
faithless one, Israel, I had sent her away with a decree of divorce. Yet her
treacherous sister Judah did not fear, but she too went and played the whore.<b><span style="font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;"> </span></b>Because she took her whoredom lightly, she
polluted the land, committing adultery with stone and tree. Yet for all this
her treacherous sister Judah did not return to me with her whole heart, but in
pretense, declares the Lord.”<b><span style="font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;"> </span></b>And the Lord said to me, “Faithless Israel has shown herself more righteous
than treacherous Judah. (ESV)</div>
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Israel forsook the Lord to worship other gods, playing the part of prostitute, yet it is treacherous Judah, who is called out here for making only a show of holiness while her heart was still black with sin. I was hoping to explore the theme of holiness in the book of Hebrews this year, but this passage made me tremble with the weight of that task. All throughout Deuteronomy, the Lord warns the Israelites to take care to do this or take care to do that. All of these thoughts are echoed in Hebrews 3:12, "Take care, brothers,
lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall
away from the living God."<br />
<br />
Take care...<br />
<br />
The words come to me when I wake up in the morning, when I lie down at night, when I talk to Quinn, and I am convicted of my lack of intentionality about most of the relationships in my life. Then comes chapter 11 of Hebrews with descriptions amazing faith, a particularly discouraging passage to read for those of us convicted of our lack of faith. But this year I found myself unusually comforted after reading it a little differently. Abraham? Oh yeah, that was the guy who was so afraid of foreign kings that he pretended his wife was his sister. And Sarah? Yeah, she laughed in disbelief when she was told she would conceive. And then there's that liar Jacob, the braggart Joseph, the fearful Moses, the prostitute Rahab... These are my kind of people. I can hang with some broken, ugly sinners longing for a better country.<br />
<br />
This is my season for cultivating longing. I pray that I would become more intentional in my relationships. I pray that I would take care to do and not do whatever the Holy Spirit presses upon me. But most of all I pray to cultivate a heart of longing that, despite the inevitable detours into sin, always presses on towards that new and better country.<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-33904426666337534662015-12-09T21:16:00.001-06:002015-12-09T21:16:15.996-06:00a better countryThere is something wonderful about swimming laps. Perhaps it is the rare quiet in my head from the complete concentration required to count to twelve over and over. It always amazes me how difficult it is to count past four laps with any sort of accuracy. I also now know why experienced swimmers drown. About five minutes into my swim tonight I cramped so severely, I thought perhaps my appendix had just ruptured or an alien was about to burst out of my right side. I managed not to completely panic, though, and within a dozen or so laps I was no longer imagining what everyone would say at my funeral about my tragic death by explosion in a pool.<br />
<br />
About the time I hit the fourth lap of my third set and lost count again, it occurred to me that these last couple months I have felt that same cramp in my spirit. The thing about physical pain that intense is how much it collapses your world into a desperate struggle for escape. But when the pain is in your spirit, when it is caused by the thorn God has chosen not to remove, it becomes the wellspring of all kinds of temptation.<br />
<br />
And I'd like to give a beautiful testimony of God's power being made perfect in my weakness, but I'm still waiting for him on that. There is darkness and pain and temptation and many prayers for deliverance that as yet remain unanswered. This is the place where my faith looks more like trying not to drown from the cramp/alien in my abdomen and less like a Disney princess frolicking with woodland creatures. It is the ugly faith on wandering in deserts with unanswered prayers.<br />
<br />
For a number of years, my advent devotional has simply been to read the book of Hebrews, so tonight I skipped ahead to chapter 11, and I let verse 16 soak in:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one.</blockquote>
Amen and amen.<br />
<br />
The song below, off of Andrew Peterson's latest album, has been my anthem these past few days as I've waited in the darkness, not yet having received what is promised. Yet I know the light will come and I will one day stand at the burning edge of dawn, in the city of the living God, at the borders of a better country and know that I am home.<br />
<br />
<i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4xOTY2VvoQ" target="_blank">The Dark before the Dawn</a></i><br />
Andrew Peterson<br />
<br />
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I've been waiting for the sun<o:p></o:p></div>
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To come blazing up out of the night like a bullet from a gun<o:p></o:p></div>
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Till every shadow is scattered, every dragon's on the run<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh, I believe, I believe that the light is gonna come<o:p></o:p></div>
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And this is the dark, this is the dark before the dawn<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I've been waiting for some peace<o:p></o:p></div>
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To come raining out of the heavens on these war-torn fields<o:p></o:p></div>
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All creation is aching for the sons of God to be revealed<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh, I believe, I believe that the victory is sealed<o:p></o:p></div>
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The serpent struck but it was crushed beneath His heel<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh, I know the wind can bring the lightning<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh, I know the lightning brings the rain<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh, I know the storm can be so frightening<o:p></o:p></div>
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But that same wind is gonna blow that storm away<o:p></o:p></div>
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Blow that storm away<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Lord, I'm waiting for a change<o:p></o:p></div>
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I'm waiting for Your change<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So I'm waiting for the King<o:p></o:p></div>
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To come galloping out of the clouds while the angel armies
sing<o:p></o:p></div>
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He's gonna gather His people in the shadow of His wings<o:p></o:p></div>
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And I'm gonna raise my voice with the song of the redeemed<o:p></o:p></div>
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'Cause all this darkness is a small and passing thing<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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This is the storm, this is the storm<o:p></o:p></div>
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The storm before the calm<o:p></o:p></div>
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This is the pain, the pain before the balm<o:p></o:p></div>
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This is the cold, the cold<o:p></o:p></div>
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It's the cold before the warm<o:p></o:p></div>
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These are the tears, the tears before the song<o:p></o:p></div>
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This is the dark<o:p></o:p></div>
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Change<o:p></o:p></div>
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Lord, I'm waiting for the change<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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At the burning edge of dawn<o:p></o:p></div>
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I saw the sower in the silver mist<o:p></o:p></div>
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And He was calling me home<o:p></o:p></div>
Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-35358852065350897432015-11-27T08:48:00.001-06:002015-11-27T08:48:26.371-06:00better than alcohol<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia8tta_3r4kuJV0Z8ONPDpLX-g8c3d8US_0cLHGPQqG9y0O8gxjf12AWKUqi7jZ3pSA4vEtkn_2ceeHmgzk9VtJCe2gEYb3tBvEY-SQXD6jzl3KFJimIumbqvDA_1t0JtLNyhpyDzy3zTs/s1600/IMG_2394.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia8tta_3r4kuJV0Z8ONPDpLX-g8c3d8US_0cLHGPQqG9y0O8gxjf12AWKUqi7jZ3pSA4vEtkn_2ceeHmgzk9VtJCe2gEYb3tBvEY-SQXD6jzl3KFJimIumbqvDA_1t0JtLNyhpyDzy3zTs/s320/IMG_2394.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
"Mom, this is better than alcohol," were Quinn's exact words to me as he sleepily put down a copy of <i>The Martian</i> that my parents left at my house a few weeks ago.<br />
<br />
Um.... You're gong to need to explain that comment, Quinn. Apparently he meant that "alcohol makes you tired and your brain not work well," and this book does that even better. Just as a disclaimer, this little fact about alcohol was not from his vast personal experience, but apparently his brain internalized that particular detail from a recent conversation we had on alcohol and its various uses and abuses.<br />
<br />
As Quinn implied above in his Thanksgiving letter, I almost always answer his questions (unless I'm angry, apparently), but clearly I don't always communicate those answers well. It doesn't help that he always asks really hard questions. There was that time when he was four and asked me during breakfast how babies were made. He left that conversation thinking he was pregnant. Then there was the explanation of why we don't use artificial sweeteners, and he told his preschool teacher that he couldn't eat the yogurt because it would kill him. But the most awkward one ever was when he loudly proclaimed to the lady buying lunchables in the grocery store that she was going to get cancer, which was his version of my answer to why I won't buy him lunchables. So it was enlightening to discover what he internalized from our recent conversation on alcohol.<br />
<br />
Not being familiar with <i>The Martian</i>, I didn't think much about Quinn reading it until I realized he was half way through it and the pages were filled with cuss words. After willing myself not to overreact, we had what I thought was a great discussion on cussing, why some people do it, and why we do not. I have yet to find out what little nugget he stored away from that conversation, but I'm sure it will be lovely.<br />
<br />
Sometimes Quinn will decide that he has better answers than I do, like when he asked me about how to reconcile dinosaurs with the Adam and Eve story. Now, really, I should know better than to start an explanation to an eight year old boy with, "Well, that's an interesting question with a number of viable answers..." This time at least he just cut me off and told me how he thought it happened, which of course made no sense. I have an extensive history of losing arguments to the stubbornness of small children because apparently my explanations are deeply unsatisfying to small children. For example Quinn at the age of three, after hearing my explanation for what caused burping, insisted that pirates in your stomach were a much more reasonable cause of burps and would entertain no other explanations. I have finally learned to just say, "oh that's interesting," and then move on.<br />
<br />
I've been reading in Jeremiah this month, and one of the recurring complaints against the people of Judah is not just their rebellion and worship of other Gods, but that they return to God in pretense only. In Jeremiah 3, God even claims that Judah is worse than faithless Israel because they go and play the whore with other gods while simultaneously pretending to have faith in the Lord. The people expect blessing without the cumbersome burdens of repentance, faith, and obedience. They will even offer sacrifices, as long as they aren't too costly.<br />
<br />
That is beginning to sound a little too much like my heart. I find myself tempted to distill the beautifully complicated truth of salvation into a generic transactional formula that doesn't require anything so messy as sanctification. Surely heaven forbids I be made uncomfortable or forced to sacrifice my illusions of safety. Surely carrying Jesus's cross was a metaphor for something warm and fuzzy and easy that makes me feel good. Surely that command to do good to the refugee and orphan and poor did not mean I should make myself uncomfortable to do so.<br />
<br />
Consider God's words from Jeremiah 17: 9-10<br />
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The heart is deceitful
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<span style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Courier; mso-fareast-language: JA;"> </span>and desperately sick;<o:p></o:p></div>
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How can I be so aware of the deceitfulness of my heart at one moment and so ignorant of it the next? I stand amazed at how pitifully I digest the word of the Lord, distilling its meaning into half truths shaped by the deceitfulness of my own heart.<br />
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Then the word of the
Lord came to me: <b><span style="font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;"> </span></b>“Thus says the Lord,
the God of Israel: Like these good figs, so I will regard as good the exiles
from Judah, whom I have sent away from this place to the land of the Chaldeans.<b><span style="font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;"> </span></b>I will set my eyes on them for good, and I will
bring them back to this land. I will build them up, and not tear them down; I
will plant them, and not pluck them up.<b><span style="font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;"> </span></b>I will give them a heart to know that I am the Lord, and they shall be my
people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole
heart.</div>
</blockquote>
It takes the Lord to give me a new heart capable of knowing him and to returning to him. I pondered that mystery as I ran yesterday through the neighborhood in which I grew up. Without constant vigilance my brain will slip back into the half-truths and false promises that are comfortable and safe. Living with this new heart, this whole heart, is an answer that I can't quite focus on because my mind won't quite fit around it. It's a question that makes my brain tired and not work very well, so in that sense I guess Quinn would qualify it as "better than alcohol."Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-69818763005816182322015-10-19T10:11:00.001-05:002015-10-19T10:13:03.775-05:00unwillingOctober is the month where the season overlaps my schedule so that I drive to school with the sun rising behind me. I watch colors spread across the sky in my rearview mirror until I finally arrive to finish watching the sunrise over the new park across from my school. I am stilled for a moment by the beauty and brought to thanksgiving and praise in the midst of a difficult month.<br />
<br />
October is also the season where I just want to quit: quit my job, quit my kid, quit my friends. The season may bring unusual beauty, but it also brings unusual pressure, and this jar of clay begins to crack as familiar sin patterns creep in. <span style="font-family: inherit;">During such periods it is not laziness or lack of desire that </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">keeps me out of the word, but rather a great trepidation. For if I know the words of God, the one who created and sustains the </span>universe<span style="font-family: inherit;">, and I claim to love them, then what does it say about me that I am so bad at following them? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Isaiah has always been one of my favorite books of the Bible to read because, though it often come with great sorrow, the book is filled unimaginable hope. Many times I find myself praying Isaiah's words in chapter 6, "Woe is me for I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!” In prayer, I'm always tempted to </span>add<span style="font-family: inherit;"> the phrase, "and because I have seen you Lord, I should be different, but I am not." Lately he has been </span>pressing<span style="font-family: inherit;"> into my heart </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Isaiah 30:15:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text Isa-30-15" id="en-ESV-18233" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px; position: relative;">For thus said the Lord <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant: small-caps;">God</span>, the Holy One of Israel, </span><span class="text Isa-30-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px; position: relative;">“In <span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-18233X" data-link="(<a href="#cen-ESV-18233X" title="See cross-reference X">X</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span>returning and <span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-18233Y" data-link="(<a href="#cen-ESV-18233Y" title="See cross-reference Y">Y</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span>rest you shall be saved; </span><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px;"><span class="text Isa-30-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” </span></span><span class="text Isa-30-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px; position: relative;">But you were unwilling,</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px;"> </span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In the bustle of fall, the </span>Spirit<span style="font-family: inherit;"> has pressed</span> on my heart just how<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span>unwilling I have been; u<span style="font-family: inherit;">nwilling to trust, unwilling to be cleansed, unwilling to repent, unwilling to be made new. I told a friend at the end of </span>September<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span>that<span style="font-family: inherit;"> I was coming out of a season of repentance, but in reality that season seems to have been just the prequel. There is a deeper </span>repentance at work, and it is<span style="font-family: inherit;"> hard, ugly, and yet deeply beautiful. If October has </span>given<span style="font-family: inherit;"> me anything, it has </span>given me the willingness to die to self, and for that I am thankful.<br />
<br />
I am also thankful that this is not the end of the story.<span style="font-family: inherit;"> Because of the Lord's great love not only are we not consumed, but we will also be restored.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A song you might love by Sandra McCracken </span><a href="https://sandramccracken.bandcamp.com/track/we-will-feast-in-the-house-of-zion" style="font-family: inherit;" target="_blank">here</a><span style="font-family: inherit;">.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 28px; white-space: pre-wrap;">We will feast in the house of Zion.
We will sing with our hearts restored.
</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 28px; white-space: pre-wrap;">He has done great things, we will say together.
We will feast, and weep no more.</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 28px; white-space: pre-wrap;">
We will not be burned by the fire.
He is the lord our God.
We are not consumed by the flood,
Upheld, protected, gathered up.
We will feast in the house of Zion.
We will sing with our hearts restored.
He has done great things, we will say together.
We will feast, and weep no more.
In the dark of night, before the dawn,
My soul be not afraid.
For the promised morning, oh how long.
Oh, God of Jacob be my strength.
We will feast in the house of Zion.
We will sing with our hearts restored.
He has done great things, we will say together.
We will feast, and weep no more.
Every vow we've broken and betrayed
You are the faithful one
And from the garden to the grave.
Bind us together, bring shalom.
We will feast in the house of Zion.
We will sing with our hearts restored.
He has done great things, we will say together.
We will feast, and weap no more.
He has done great things, we will say together.
We will feast, and weap no more.</span></span></blockquote>
Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-61480331191046031122015-09-26T09:06:00.000-05:002015-09-26T09:06:17.919-05:00inextinguishableTis the season where we leave the windows open, causing me to linger each morning a minute or two longer while I enjoy the contrast of the cool air and warm sheets. Sweat pants with flip flops are the standard loungewear, and a cup of hot tea is my one mandatory accessory. Add a good book and this season is even better than vacation.<br />
<br />
During my reading this week I hit the oracles in Isaiah with a resounding crash. The news of the world and the words of Isaiah were too similar to ignore, and the awareness of evil at work to defile creation tempted my heart to despair. Consider Isaiah 21:3-4:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Therefore my loins are filled with anguish; pangs have seized me, like the pangs of a woman in labor; I am bowed down so that I cannot hear; I am dismayed so that I cannot see. My heart staggers; horror has appalled me; the twilight I longed for has been turned for me into trembling.</blockquote>
Isaiah brings words of destruction and hope to the people of Israel because he longs for God to be glorified in his people. Yet even Isaiah staggers under the weight of judgment, despite the promise of salvation for a remnant.<br />
<br />
I feel the approach of despair as a slow, cold tightening in my chest. My heart flutters like a hummingbird, unable to come to rest for fear of being strangled. Despite the promise of a new creation without sin and suffering, this creation remains in bondage to corruption. Yet in light of so much evil, that there is any goodness or kindness in the world seems to me to be the greatest proof of God's existence.<br />
<br />
As I pull out the blankets and favorite sweat shirts in anticipation of the months ahead, I'm pondering the art of hope in a fallen world. I understand the willful blindness, the pursuit of happiness in trivial distractions, the turning away from suffering. When the choice is to face this evil armed only with the promise of sufficient grace and future victory, it is no wonder I am tempted to ignore so much suffering. But facing this evil, mirrored in a thousand sins of my own heart, I find that faith pushes back on the coldness with an inextinguishable warmth. There is joy in the moment, whatever the moment holds. Like the moments of laughter I shared with Quinn at Emmett's funeral or the sweetness of restoration after reconciliation with a friend - I have always found the grace to press forward in the face of evil.<br />
<br />
Some seasons though are for lingering under the covers and saying prayers of thanksgiving to God for holding back the darkness. If I am convicted of anything right now, it is of how much mercy he shows me in daily restraining the full power of evil at work in the world and in my own heart. I am humbled by my own failure to recognize the full extent of grace, and sometimes I wonder if my courage is borne more of faith in God's power or from ignorance of the evil lying in wait. Probably both, but today I'm thankful for a truth that surpasses my understanding and a grace that continues to show up despite the looming despair.Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-17739366753703768552015-09-09T21:57:00.000-05:002015-09-09T21:57:46.332-05:00new eyesMy subconscious has been ruminating on a couple recent discussions, one about life changing things we'd read and another about feelings of impotence in the face of the refugee crisis. And I came back to one of the final chapters in Azar Nafisi's <i>Reading Lolita in Tehran</i> because it was both a chapter that changed my life and exactly what I needed to be reminded of when facing my own impotence in light of such overwhelming need<i>.</i> <div>
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The memoir is about an illegal book group in Tehran in the early 1980s where young women met to discuss western literature, evil, and the new Islamic regime. In a book about literature and evil, one wouldn't usually think of Jane Austen's novels as the climax of the discussion. But I love what Nafisi says:</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Austen's theme is cruelty not under extraordinary circumstances but ordinary ones, committed by people like us. Surely that's more frightening...</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
...Modern fiction brings out the evil in domestic lives, ordinary relations, people like you and me... Evil in Austen, as in most great fiction, lies in the inability to "see" others, hence to empathize with them. What is frightening is that this blindness can exist in the best of us (Eliza Bennet) as well as the worst (Humbert). We are all capable of becoming the blind censor, of imposing our visions and desires on others. Once evil is individualized, becoming part of everyday life, the way of resisting it also becomes individual. How does the soul survive? is the essential question...</blockquote>
As I sat in a community group tonight for the first time in a couple years, I thought about this passage and the joy of seeing and being seen by others. It was after all what Christ did for the woman at the well and the rich young ruler and the woman who needed healing but hoped to sneak away unseen after touching him. He saw the disciples fishing and Zacchaeus in the tree and Saul on the road to Damascus and... and... and... he sees me and each and every one of my students and those refugees and every last man and woman swearing allegiance to Isis.<br />
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I have been in a particularly fierce battle to mortify the desires of my sinful nature. Sin has flared up so violently in my heart I can hardly sleep at night. I've fled back to John Owen's advice to begin mortification by really understanding the evil and guilt and danger of my sin and then to hold it up to the gospel and realize what it cost Christ. To be seen and loved, despite my sin and silliness and stupidity, should open my eyes to the work God can do in those around me. It should stir me to hope and boldness in life and in prayer for those both near and far. And maybe, just maybe, I'll start to see others with eyes made new by grace.<br />
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Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-48833075095897563602015-09-07T21:14:00.000-05:002015-09-07T21:14:13.487-05:00squealI love other people's babies. One of my dearest friends was fortunate enough to have twins recently, which is really perfect because whenever you visit, there are always enough babies to share. Currently they are at the stage where it is easy to make them laugh, which is of course irresistible. We hardly even talk to each other any more. I just visit and we play with babies and then I go home. As I was playing with one of them tonight, he grabbed fistfuls of my hair, and, delighted with his own brilliance, set himself to squealing right in my face as he kept a death grip on my head. There aren't many times in your life where it's cool when someone squeals in your face, I suppose, but it was awesome. <div>
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If there were a trophy for worst mom of the year, I'd definitely be in the running for it. This week was a perfect storm of emotional overload that left me washed up Saturday morning with a full to do list and a desperate need to hide under my bed for a day.<div>
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But against my better judgment I got out of bed and finished my reading of Jonah over a cup of tea. Had I anticipated my day becoming an object lesson in the sins of Jonah's heart, I would've hopped the first boat to Tarshish and spent the weekend giving a whale indigestion. At least I can say the day ended with Quinn and I having a good discussion of sin and repentance as well as quite a bit of laughter, but the in between hours were brutal. </div>
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So Sunday morning I hesitated before starting the book of Hosea thinking that should the Lord decide to make my life into another object lesson that day, it would be better to pick a different book of the Bible. But I forged ahead because I had recently read this passage from Buechner's <i>Hungering Dark</i>:</div>
</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If the meaning of life is just a string of theological words, then who cares about it one way or another and what difference does it make and why bother to say the words at all, even if in some sense they are true? But if it is a reality, then words cannot contain it, you can only know it when you experience it, and if life in general has meaning, then every part of life also has meaning and you can experience it perfectly well by watching feathers fall to the ground or seeing the teacher walk away in silence...</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If I were an unusually brave man, I would do something like this from the pulpit. First of all, I would stop speaking, and then I would perform some action of the kind that the prophets of Israel used to perform, because... they also got tired of words from time to time and resorted to more direct means of pointing to the reality, for them, of God's judgment or of God's love.</blockquote>
And what a picture Hosea is of sin and redemption and unfailing love. I have loved the book since I first read it almost two decades ago. Cries of mercy and love and longing break through the passages of condemnation and judgment as if God can't help himself. And this life, this experience even of my own sinful nature, has meaning because God himself lifts me out of it. And some day, when his work in me is complete, I will hold onto my savior with new hands and squeal with delight just like my little friend this evening. Because on that day, even the ugly parts of my story will be known as beautiful because they will find their meaning in his story.Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-374760077012094892015-08-23T18:53:00.000-05:002015-08-25T21:15:16.337-05:00The Hungering Dark<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguWvprqrYAOFRviCFnbZUz_tPp717kigsOjqsXjjAkPBImoq8KHsZPMI0NHPpxLM_XHW4Rxz99DbOMUt2d5YhDlkQbERH0t45ZQ4XeeZ6PgNX5h3p7501uzoYXXWYt360t6pc2yv0psnWv/s1600/HUngering+Dark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguWvprqrYAOFRviCFnbZUz_tPp717kigsOjqsXjjAkPBImoq8KHsZPMI0NHPpxLM_XHW4Rxz99DbOMUt2d5YhDlkQbERH0t45ZQ4XeeZ6PgNX5h3p7501uzoYXXWYt360t6pc2yv0psnWv/s320/HUngering+Dark.jpg" width="211" /></a></div>
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I opened a package Thursday to find a book I had ordered a couple weeks ago and forgotten about. Even without remembering why I ordered it, tears sprang to my eyes at the title, clearly an indication I needed to read the book right then. So I sat down and read the first half that night, with a heart so swollen and tender each chapter was like a cup of cold water.<br />
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Consider the end to chapter 3:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Jesus said, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God," and in the end every word that proceeds from the mouth of God is the same word, and the word is Christ himself. And in the end that is the vocation, the calling of all of us, the calling to be Christs. To be Christs in whatever way we are able to be. To be Christs with whatever gladness we have and in whatever place, among whatever brothers we are called to. That is the vocation, the destiny to which we were all of us called, even before the foundation of the world.</blockquote>
The first day of school this week there were half a dozen students in my room, some studying their summer work for tests in other classes, some robot team students just looking for fellow nerdy introverts, some old students just dropping by to say hello. My heart that had been quietly stirring for weeks, felt like it just might burst from being exactly where it was supposed to be. Ever since my bitter battle with self-doubt a few weeks ago, I've been pondering what it looks like to be Christ where I am and what it means to make Christ the only stumbling block, but it has been a pondering without answers, a storing up of tiny moments in my heart.<br />
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This is Buechner's prayer at the end of chapter 3, and I must have read it a dozen times Thursday night, but since then I've been praying it for myself as well as for my students.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
O Thou, who art the God no less of those who know thee not than of those who love the well, be present with us at the times of choosing when time stands still and all that lies behind us and all that lies ahead are caught up in the mystery of a moment. Be present especially with the young who must choose between many voices. Help them to know how much an old world needs their youth and gladness. Help them to know that there are words of truth and healing that will never be spoken unless they speak them, and deeds of compassion and courage that will never be done unless they do them. Help them never to mistake success for victory or failure for defeat. Grant that they may never be entirely content with whatever bounty this world may bestow upon them, but that they may know at last that they were created not for happiness but for joy, and that joy is to him alone who, sometimes with tears in his eyes, commits himself in love to thee and to his brothers. Lead them and all thy world ever deeper into the knowledge that finally all men are one and that there can never really be joy for any until there is joy for all. In Christ's name we ask it and for his sake. <i>Amen.</i></blockquote>
<br />Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-17003032389099481662015-08-10T21:49:00.003-05:002015-08-10T21:49:51.760-05:00perhapsThe Old Testament never fails to convince me that we serve a capricious God, or at least capricious from our perspective. When God says in Romans, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion," he really means it. Mired in 1 Kings and 2 Chronicles as I am right now, I wonder at how God doles out both his mercy and his wrath. It leaves my head spinning and my spirit trembling and my mind uncomprehending. How does one love such a God as this or come to his altar in worship?<br />
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Perhaps it is not a coincidence that I have been unusually plagued by thoughts of self-doubt and self-recrimination. Sneaking in under the guise of conviction, such thoughts have stabbed my conscience like a thousand little fleas burrowing into my soul. After days of hearing my worthlessness whispered incessantly in my ears, I finally got fed up with the voices and started answering out loud with a resounding, "You're right, I'm not. But I don't have to be, because Christ was. So shut up." And they did. There followed a quiet in my soul, and I wept over the Psalms as I haven't in a long time.<br />
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I read <i>Brendan</i> by Frederick Buechner recently. It's a fictional account of the life of Saint Brendan. Buechner, master story teller that he is, contrasts the grit and obscenity of pagan life with the struggle of a man to live for Christ. Brendan the priest travels the world with his distraught soul, only to realize near the end that "perhaps we've given all but what he truly wants." The adventures, the self-loathing and self-deprivation, the monasteries he built - none of these is truly the work of Christ in him so much as the transformation of his heart from a loud mouthed braggart to a quiet servant of those around him.<br />
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Habakkuk is my favorite prophet because he asks for justice and receives faith. I'm beginning to realize that is how God has been answering all my requests, with faith rather than answers. So as I read through the histories this time, I'm seeking less understanding and more faith. Perhaps, just perhaps, that's what he truly wants.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ID4bbS4S6LPiE0iK6jCckGeTvdT5edxiwpEs9n1CcwjwRv_KgOpwZC97a6c5dlDVoLljtiirknVr6liLpIBKtykxdLZF-DAOw99wzrKMsa-v8bGjJnjLUv19jJbw7PnH8Qb70LNS7B3_/s1600/IMG_2053+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ID4bbS4S6LPiE0iK6jCckGeTvdT5edxiwpEs9n1CcwjwRv_KgOpwZC97a6c5dlDVoLljtiirknVr6liLpIBKtykxdLZF-DAOw99wzrKMsa-v8bGjJnjLUv19jJbw7PnH8Qb70LNS7B3_/s640/IMG_2053+copy.jpg" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Brendan</i> by Frederick Buechner<a name='more'></a></td></tr>
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<br />Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-38463457782746355932015-07-30T19:55:00.002-05:002015-07-30T19:55:54.227-05:00refreshment<span style="font-family: inherit;">For a late summer morning, this one was rare and beautiful. Instead of the stagnant, oppressive blanket of heat, a delicious breeze greeted me as I stepped out this morning. The sky, swept clean by last night's storm, showed off a blue so vibrant it looked surreal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I've been working through Solomon's life and Proverbs this week. As I read the account of Solomon asking God for wisdom, it gave me pause to realize that even wisdom isn't enough. As a bibliophile and hopeless nerd, I somehow think that maybe if I just read a little more or think about it just the right way, then understanding will make obedience easier or sweeter. But even the wisest man on Earth was led astray by the lust of his flesh. No matter how hard I beat my head against the impenetrable veil, I won't get through. That truth has pierced my soul this week with unusual acuteness. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then came the </span>thousand<span style="font-family: inherit;"> voices of discouragement and despair that feed off this particular grief. Whispers of worthlessness, futility, and hopelessness have been trying to crowd out the gospel in my heart, but this verse, like the morning sky, has provided unexpected relief in this </span>desert<span style="font-family: inherit;">. </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Be not wise in your own eyes; </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">turn away from evil. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">It will be healing to your flesh </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">and refreshment to your bones. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Proverbs 3: 7-8</span></blockquote>
Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-20012064026367878352015-07-23T00:25:00.005-05:002015-07-23T00:25:56.393-05:00Count me in<span style="font-family: inherit;">An unexpected but much needed two hour nap this afternoon has left me bright eyed at a later hour than I am usually able to be coherent. How is it that a two hour nap can make you wide awake for four or five hours later than usual? The math does not make sense. The one upside is that a late night cup of tea feels like a chance to steal a slice of my sanity back while everything else in the house is quiet. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Perhaps it is just me, but this summer seems more filled than usual with news and political drama. I am somewhat exhausted by trying to keep up with what society considers socially acceptable. It is considered humane to kill human babies in the womb and sell their body parts but not sea turtles or eagles in their eggs. Apparently regardless of your genetics it is socially acceptable to pick the gender with which you would like identify but socially inappropriate to pick the race. And killing someone is illegal on your own but perfectly acceptable when agreed upon by twelve people in a courtroom. Am I the only one feeling a little schizophrenic after listening to the news? The only firm conclusion that I've been able to draw these past few weeks is that society has largely lost its ability to have any kind of coherent rational discussion. Or maybe it never had that ability after the fall.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It seems appropriate to be reading about David's life right now. I'm paralleling the histories as best I can, and for the first time I was struck by the long reaching effects of David's affair with Bathsheba. Because it didn't start with Bathsheba. That whole story begins with the statement that it was springtime when the kings when out to war, but David stayed home. One small decision to </span>stay<span style="font-family: inherit;"> home sets off this chain of events that becomes one of the most notorious acts of sin in the Bible. And it doesn't end with the murder of Bathsheba's husband. Absalom's rebellion is a direct consequence of David's actions. David, having lost the moral high ground in such a public and egregious act of hypocrisy, is rendered impotent and almost pathetic in his own defense. I was reminded of a quote from </span><i style="font-family: inherit;">The Ascent of Mt Carmel</i><span style="font-family: inherit;">:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The misplaced desires of the soul are sources of endless weariness because they allow the soul no rest since they can never be filled. Like bugs to bright light, we are drawn to these desires, blind to all else, even our own destruction. "He that is blinded by desires has this property that, when he is set in the midst of truth and of that which is good for him, he can no more see them than if he were in darkness."</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It wasn't that David was ignorant of sin in general because he could recognize the same sin when presented to him in a story by the prophet Nathan. But a continual series of small sins drew David in deeply enough that the cost of repentance was so great that self-deception was preferable to repentance on such a subconscious level that David remained stubbornly and willfully blind to his own destruction. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">That is scary. It was like seeing exactly how hopeless our situation is without grace. I do not think I see people that way very often, and it has renewed my own sense of urgency in prayer both for myself and others. Because once I start down the path of sin, repentance becomes both more difficult and more unlikely the longer I continue down that path.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And yet God still shows up for David in a way God never did for Saul even though Saul's sins were far less publicly offensive that David's. 2 Samuel 22, which is also Psalm 18, is a victory song of David. A victory song. Saul performs one offering a little too early and he loses his life, his kingdom, and the lives of his children. After all that mess David made, David gets a victory song? The modern news media would be having a field day. David even has the nerve to say that "the Lord dealt with me according to my righteousness." Um, excuse me? Did I miss something here?</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I've been reading this psalm and the penitential psalms recently, Sometimes I forget that repentance is not turning away from an action, it's turning away from the lies and self-deception I'm buying into each day. Saul's repentance was so characteristic of my own, a shallow way of placating my conscience while I continue down my path of sin. David's repentance, though, was a complete and glorious turning away from himself towards God. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">But it means I have to </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">change. Aye, there's the rub because change is costly. But the result? Oh man, the result of true repentance is that God shows up. Just read the part of 2 Samuel 22 I've copied below. It gives me chills. Because I want God to show up with smoke and devouring fire and a canopy of darkness while the earth trembles, for I know that somewhere in all that chaos is my salvation. I can only pray that no matter how </span></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">costly the repentance, I will always choose to throw myself on the mercy of God rather than trust in the logic of this schizophrenic world. Though the Lord may destroy me, he delights in me. Unfathomable. Completely incomprehensible. Count me in.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“In my distress I called upon the Lord;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> to my God I called.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">From his temple he heard my voice,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> and my cry came to his ears.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Then the earth reeled and rocked;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> the foundations of the heavens
trembled<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> and quaked, because he was angry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Smoke went up from his nostrils,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> and devouring fire from his mouth;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> glowing coals flamed forth from him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He bowed the heavens and came down;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> thick darkness was under his feet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He rode on a cherub and flew;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> he was seen on the wings of the
wind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He made darkness around him his canopy,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> thick clouds, a gathering of water.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Out of the brightness before him<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> coals of fire flamed forth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The Lord thundered from heaven,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> and the Most High uttered his voice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And he sent out arrows and scattered them;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> lightning, and routed them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then the channels of the sea were seen;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> the foundations of the world were
laid bare,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">at the rebuke of the Lord,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> at the blast of the breath of his
nostrils.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“He sent from on
high, he took me;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> he drew me out of many waters.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">He rescued me from my strong enemy,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> from those who hated me,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> for they were too mighty for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">They confronted me in the day of my calamity,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> but the Lord was my support.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">He brought me out into a broad place;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> he rescued me, because he delighted
in me.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-65630063839036138782015-07-04T19:41:00.000-05:002015-07-04T19:41:20.738-05:00toes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNiZPc1Krq4jvuehSK7Yz3DUZy3EidPXrQF_sNSnVXE69Y-U9ZDt3x9bVKn107xqSkyt0iDRpqf0UbtaMNlYrH7H7I26pgR6_oxFNDi-R35U2iPwOTlnvqM6zY5AzaVTnT-F4rGnahDkQT/s1600/IMG_1850.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNiZPc1Krq4jvuehSK7Yz3DUZy3EidPXrQF_sNSnVXE69Y-U9ZDt3x9bVKn107xqSkyt0iDRpqf0UbtaMNlYrH7H7I26pgR6_oxFNDi-R35U2iPwOTlnvqM6zY5AzaVTnT-F4rGnahDkQT/s320/IMG_1850.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Though I am now safe at home, yesterday morning I was standing in the Atlantic Ocean one last time before leaving my brother's house. The <a href="http://oceanservice.noaa.gov/education/tutorial_currents/03coastal2.html" target="_blank">longshore current</a> was incredibly strong, and the boys would dive into a wave and come up 15 feet down the beach. I spent most of the morning standing sentry to make sure they didn't get pulled down shore into the fishing lines. The water pulled the sand out from under my feet, slowly burying my toes in the ocean floor as even I struggled to stay parallel with our towels on the shore. It's an apt metaphor for my walk with Christ, the struggle to keep my eyes fixed on the author and perfecter of our faith. In a world with such changing currents and coastlines, it's no wonder I get pulled down shore with every wave. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I love my counselor because we always end up talking nerdy. I walked into her office a while back and we started on social anxiety and ended with a discussion about authenticity, also covering several great books we've read recently. It was fantastic. Somewhere in the midst of asking me questions about why I'd rather hide under my bed than say, have a conversation at church, she asked me something like, "do you struggle to be authentic?" I paused for a moment until it hit me. I completely despise the modern notion of authenticity. Consider this really great quote from an article in the <a href="https://hbr.org/2015/01/the-authenticity-paradox" style="font-style: italic;" target="_blank">Harvard Business Journal </a>by Herminia Ibarra on the paradox of authenticity in leadership:</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Because going against our natural inclinations can make us feel like impostors, we tend to latch on to authenticity as an excuse for sticking with what’s comfortable. But few jobs allow us to do that for long. That’s doubly true when we advance in our careers or when demands or expectations change, as Cynthia, George, and countless other executives have discovered. In my research on leadership transitions, I have observed that career advances require all of us to move way beyond our comfort zones. At the same time, however, they trigger a strong countervailing impulse to protect our identities: When we are unsure of ourselves or our ability to perform well or measure up in a new setting, we often retreat to familiar behaviors and styles. But my research also demonstrates that the moments that most challenge our sense of self are the ones that can teach us the most about leading effectively. By viewing ourselves as works in progress and evolving our professional identities through trial and error, we can develop a personal style that feels right to us and suits our organizations’ changing needs. That takes courage, because learning, by definition, starts with unnatural and often superficial behaviors that can make us feel calculating instead of genuine and spontaneous. But the only way to avoid being pigeonholed and ultimately become better leaders is to do the things that a rigidly authentic sense of self would keep us from doing.
</blockquote>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The idea of authenticity as the genuine and spontaneous overflow of me into a conversation terrifies me because an overflow of me is not pretty. Neither of us want this sinful mess oozing into our discussion. Trust me. And it's not anxiety or fear of rejection or shame that freezes me in social situations. It's stupidity. I don't want to bring myself to the conversation. I want to bring Christ. I want to bring holiness, but that is so not authentic or genuine or easy or even comprehensible. So instead sometimes I just stare at people and think, "Lord have mercy, I have no idea what to do or say right now, can I please just run away?" Which, of course, is also not holy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I love Ibarra's line, "we tend to latch on to authenticity as an excuse for sticking with what’s comfortable." How many times have I given in to self-indulgence or sloth or gossip or complaining under the noble guise of being authentic? How many times have I led others into sin because being holy felt inauthentic? I shudder to think of those answers. Ibarra goes on to describe authenticity in leadership as an evolving process. Her words felt so similar to sanctification that I thought it necessary to roll my eyes at the Holy Spirit. Clearly he knows how dense I am. Speak slowly and use small words and maybe she'll get it this time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm out of the ocean and back on my couch tonight, but I still feel harassed by the longshore current ready to carry me off every time I lose my footing. After that lovely little bit in Hebrews 12 about fixing our eyes on the author and perfecter of our faith comes a much longer passage about the Lord's discipline. There's the rub. <i>No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. </i>(vs 11) I'm still waiting for that harvest. I'm digging in my toes and bracing for the waves, but in the meantime there's wonderful beauty all around me and a certain invigorating joy to the fight. </span>Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-16722705886455474862015-06-20T21:37:00.001-05:002015-06-20T21:37:13.638-05:0010,000Summer nights like tonight are the kind that inspire love songs and adventure stories. I love being from the South. Fireflies and tomato sandwiches, sweet tea and biscuits. Sign me up. Even as this week has been a stark reminder of how our terrible past still haunts us, I've been brought to a season of personal prayer and repentance. Prior to Jesus, my disdain for people was both universal and indiscriminate. I mostly thought everyone was an idiot, or maybe that was just a side effect of being a teenager. Either way, I am continually humbled by the intersection of grace and providence in my life that has taught me love and repentance.<br />
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My reading of 1 Samuel this month is well timed with the season. Song writing, sling toting shepherds defeating giants and psychologically unstable kings trying to hold on to power. These are stories for the back porch on a steamy summer night like tonight. The battle between selfishness and holiness in Saul, the first king of Israel, has always been one of the most terrifying stories of the Bible for me. Because he loses. He's anointed with the Spirit of the Lord, for crying out loud, and he still manages to descend into unimaginable selfishness and disobedience. That's way more terrifying than a fiery furnace, because it is way more possible for me. Saul chooses to listen to the voices of fear and insecurity, descending into insanity and unspeakable evil. Utterly terrifying.<br />
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I paired my reading of 1 Samuel with an unlikely book, <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316204374/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d2_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=desktop-1&pf_rd_r=0MRJGHYYQDSCGCBZA0S4&pf_rd_t=36701&pf_rd_p=2079475242&pf_rd_i=desktop" target="_blank">David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants</a></i>. Despite the title it's not a religious book at all, rather it's a conglomeration of sociological and psychological studies artfully woven together in a series of compelling narratives. The premise of the book is that our fascination with underdog stories is often based on a poor reading of the text. From David and Goliath to the civil rights movement, Gladwell reframes the discussion to show that what we assume are unassailable strengths turn out to be great weakness, and often what appears as weakness may actually be strength.<br />
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Consider one of my favorite, though often overlooked parts of 1 Samuel 17. David finally makes it around to Saul, offering to fight Goliath. When Saul points out how small David is, David responds with quite the list of achievements, having killed both lions an bears while being a lowly shepherd. I find the plural here amusing. Either there was an abundance of lions and bears near David with a hankering for sheep, or God sent those animals specifically to prepare David for what lay ahead. In another of his books, <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017930/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1434851493&sr=8-1&keywords=gladwell+outliers" target="_blank">Outliers</a>, </i>Gladwell explains the 10,000 hour rule. Study after study shows that perceived greatness in fields from composing to professional hockey to computer programming starts somewhere around the 10,000 hour mark. After 10,000 hours of practicing something, you start to get really good at it. In other words, there are no prodigies. David had clearly reached the 10,000 hour mark somewhere in the wilderness and now could sling stones at speeds several times that of a modern major league pitcher. Rightly understood, David had the clear advantage, not Goliath.<br />
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And that scares me too. David's battle with Goliath wasn't won on the battlefield that day. It wasn't a single act of faith. David's battle was won when he stood alone in the fields with only the sheep around, forcing himself to practice over and over and over. David's battle was won in the lonely 10,000 hours of faithful obedience when no one was looking. His triumph over self will was won by the daily disciplines for which he still receives no credit. Why isn't this the story we tell each other? Why do we persist in the illusion that divine providence was only in the throwing of the single stone and not in the 10,000 hours of practice? Why do we credit faith only in the large moments when those are merely the byproducts of 10,000 previous smaller acts of faith?<br />
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I spent most of the first 18 years of my life (way more than 10,000 hours, FYI) practicing hate by default because I was not actively loving. The damage those years did to people around me is probably more devastating than I can imagine. Did I contribute to the pain and suffering of others in such a way as to make them more hateful? Most likely.<br />
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Even in the 18 years I've known Christ, there are many days I feel more like Saul than David. Each tiny act of faithfulness threatened by fear, laziness, and selfishness. I can blame technology, other people, physical ailments... but truthfully it is a lack of faith that what I do right now, when no one is looking, is more important that what I do in front of others. I have been spiritually and emotionally destroyed by that truth recently because I do not always make good choices, and those bad choices have consequences. 10,000 hours of practicing selfishness can be as devastating in my life as it was in Saul's. It can be just as devastating in my son's life, in the lives of my friends and students, and in the lives of strangers I meet every day. That is scary.<br />
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So I have spent this week repenting and grieving the sins of my people, each and every large act of hate is mirrored in the unseen acts of selfishness in my own heart. Such tiny acts of unfaithfulness accumulated over generations and distances has allowed evil to ravage this world I love unchallenged like the giant Goliath. So I am praying for one more hour of faithfulness for today, and another for tomorrow, and the day after that, and so on because I still have a long way to go on my 10,000 hours. But maybe, just maybe, after a few more thousand hours, I will be ready to sling my stone at the darkness.Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-23571547205921907102015-06-09T09:16:00.001-05:002015-06-09T09:16:15.897-05:00windsI stepped out of the shower in Kansas City this morning to a slew of messages. Thinking of you, praying for you, remembering. I'm always amazed that I can feel this day coming for weeks and yet be surprised by its arrival. I can't believe it's been four years.<br />
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I knew it would be a hard semester, but I had no idea it would be so good, so deeply and beautifully restoring. Not that everything has been sunshine and laughter by any means. Between single parenting and teaching, someone is always unhappy with me, and I've had plenty of failures in both areas to keep me humble for quite a while.<br />
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I haven't written in many months. At first that was because life was too big for me, and I found myself in May wondering how I got there. Lately though I haven't written because I can't wrap my mind around joy. If I were home with access to my books, I'd pull out good old Brene and see what she had to say about this in her book <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1433857819&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gifts+of+imperfection" target="_blank">The Gifts of Imperfection</a></i>. She has a great chapter about the difficulty of embracing joy out of our fear of being caught off guard when grief comes around again.<br />
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And that's been my problem with God. It's not that I haven't made time for reading and praying, it's that I can't seem to draw near his throne because I'm afraid he'll decide it's time for another round. I've found myself unconsciously preparing for the next blow, trying to anticipate it's arrival. In all my years, I have found grief more bearable than joy. Grief is familiar and comfortable, and I see why so many people choose to stay there and let it define them.<br />
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In March I met a dear friend in Nicaragua for some rest and recuperation. One morning we hiked part way up a rock on the edge of the bay where we were staying. On a promontory overlooking the bay, we paused and left the shelter of the trees to check out the view. I don't particularly enjoy heights, but that day it was the wind that caught me unprepared. While the trees were calm and shady, the wind at the edge was so fierce that standing up was terrifying. The way it gusted, changing directions and force without warning left you off balance. That's what joy feels like to me, unpredictable and even violent, shifting directions.<br />
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But as I sit in the Kansas City airport with beautiful blue skies above me ready to go home to my favorite boy, I remember today's new mercies. This season is about finding the strength to stand in these shifting winds and learning to trust the one who holds them in his hands.Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-42002258083950039862015-03-17T18:37:00.000-05:002015-03-17T18:37:16.617-05:00estrellaI have been few places where the stars shine so brightly as the <a href="http://aquanicaragua.com/" target="_blank">Aqua Nicaragua</a> resort. I hope to find more places, like perhaps the African savannah or Alaska, with even more grand views of the night sky, but thus far my traveling has been somewhat limited. We sat on the beach last night after dark looking at the familiar constellations of Orion, the Big Dipper, and the Pleiades bathed in a host of new stars henceforth unseen. The backdrop of the Milky Way spread across the sky - a sight I've never seen this clearly before - and I was reminded again of how many distractions have distorted my vision of Christ recently. <div>
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I've been humbled recently by the warning in Hebrews 2 not to neglect so great a salvation. The turbulence of the last six months, despite being wonderfully full of great conversations with students, time with friends, and adventures, has been distracting me from my creator and savior. But as always, he brings me to repentance through his extraordinary tenderness. It took a treehouse on the Nicaraguan coast to realize how so many great things can turn my focus away from the very one who cast all those stars into the sky. But it was the tenderness of a dear friend, the beauty of creation, and a few crazy adventures to remind of me of his great kindness towards those he loves. </div>
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So I'm back, and though I may need to find a howler monkey ringtone to wake me up each morning, I am thankful for the reminder to clear away the distractions more often to see the beauty that is out there. </div>
Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-21185747279802833172015-03-14T19:43:00.000-05:002015-03-14T19:43:45.108-05:00te amo<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm sitting in the dark typing this blog post and watching the howler monkeys outside my treehouse as night falls in Nicaragua. I arrived at midnight last night having had only four hours of sleep in the last thirty six hours. My driver, Ricardo, spoke about 24 words in English and I spoke about 12 in Spanish, but he had a sign with my name on it, so I thought what the heck, and hopped in the hotel "shuttle."<br />
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We had a two hour car ride at night through the Nicaraguan countryside with REO speed wagon and assorted other early nineties love songs playing in the car, so of course I decided it was the perfect time to learn Spanish. And what better way to learn than by jumping in and asking his name. Well, in hindsight it occurred to me that the word for name sounds a lot like the word for love. And I'm pretty sure by the look on his face that instead of asking his name, he thought I told him I loved him. Of course I was so tired and he was the only way to my hotel, so it may have been a little true.<br />
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It just got more awesome from there. After sorting out that awkwardness, we proceeded to mime words to each other and I think I learned how to say tree, stars, beautiful, and large - and it only took two hours.<br />
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After just a few hours of sleep in a tree house with the windows open, we awoke to sunrise and the dulcet sound of howler monkeys outside. Then sunshine, hiking, rest, making cacao from the beans, and fellowship with a dear friend. Slowly, very slowly, I feel my sanity returning.<br />
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But, mom, I promise not to bring Ricardo home.<br />
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<br />Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-85919881353418507752015-03-13T17:42:00.001-05:002015-03-13T17:42:47.771-05:00Buds<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sometimes I wonder how anyone above the Mason-Dixon line survives winter without becoming a serial killer. Seriously. Winter is always hard. I think I just forget how hard, and it catches me by surprise. Every. Single. Year. If it weren't for nearly twelve hours of plane flight delays, I'd be sitting on the beach in Nicaragua with one of my closest friends drinking in sunshine and rest and fellowship. Instead I'm sitting in the Houston airport beneath the same gray dreary skies that haunt Nashville and sifting through endless pages of AP curriculum material and pedagogical research on grit and self control while receiving text after text documenting yet another delay.<br />
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This winter, like this travel day, seems to stretch on forever.<br />
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But this winter is also a beautiful season. The extended cold is actually good for my favorite trees. Both the cherry tree and the lilac in my yard need a cold winter to set the blooms, and the colder the winter, the more majestic the blooms should be and the more bountiful the fruit. Although still early, I've started checking them regularly for buds, desperate for my favorite signs of spring.<br />
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After pouring myself into the lives of so many students and parents this year, I looked around about December and realized that all the safe people in my life - close friends I could trust to love me even when I fall apart - had vanished. It's not that they weren't safe or we weren't friends anymore, but I had let single parenting, crazy long work weeks, and geographic distance become excuses for not intentionally investing in some of the relationships I needed most. I know that isolation from community makes me vulnerable to a host of sins, so I took an even scarier step and signed up to meet with a counselor.<br />
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Since then I've been doing some of the ugly work of winter. Some dying, some pruning, some intentional sowing. It's hard work, but good work, to dig in the soil of my soul and intentionally root out destructive thoughts and patterns. Maybe that's why this winter has felt so long, but I am continually thankful for his promise that all things will be made new. So I keep looking for those buds.Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-41386545383105636662015-02-20T16:41:00.002-06:002015-02-20T16:41:30.453-06:00snow day revelationsThings I've learned from our epic ice/snow break.<br />
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<ol>
<li>The topography of my neighborhood, with its perfect combination of hills and shade is excellent for sledding. We may still be iced in come May.</li>
<li>Neighbors with children your son's age are the best.</li>
<li>Be careful where you start sledding because instead of going the anticipated 20 yards, you may run into an elderly, confused beagle way at the other end of the street.</li>
<li>Having an impossibly long to do list is a really good thing when you're snowed in for four days. </li>
<li>All these years I've been thinking I don't get to folding the laundry because I have other things to do when actually it turns out that I will do just about anything to procrastinate folding laundry.</li>
<li>I don't get bored. I'm too nerdy. My laundry may never get folded.</li>
<li>Quinn is not nearly nerdy enough. We're going to have to work on that.</li>
<li>I may play like an 8 year old, but I hurt like an old lady.</li>
<li>Number 8 leads me to point out that sledding for three straight days when you're recovering from a pinched nerve and separated shoulder and you're allergic to ibuprofen will cause pain so bad you think you're dying. </li>
<li>The postal service motto apparently no longer applies...</li>
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Here's to more snow!</div>
Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-66496698792622615372015-02-10T21:31:00.001-06:002015-02-10T21:31:38.542-06:00swallowed upI know very little, about photography. Okay, really I actually know nothing about photography. I have observed however that the position of the sun is essential to taking a good picture outside. Last weekend we had one absolutely lovely day. As Quinn and I soaked up the last bit of it outside on the greenway, I played with my camera phone a little and snapped a couple quick shots to remind me of the contrast. The first one:<br />
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A picture taken mere seconds later simply changing my perspective:<br />
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As we walked into the setting sun, it cast shadows over the road before us but painted the road behind us in the perfect hues of sunset. The metaphor felt so obvious it is almost embarrassing to recount.</div>
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I read this the following morning:</div>
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For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 2 Corinthian 5: 1-4</blockquote>
As I long and groan and wait, I stare into the dark shadows of the promises we have in Christ. I can make out dim shapes, but I fail to see the color. When I look back though, the brilliant hues of past grace remind me to press on with great endurance. Because one day all this mortality, this frail imitation of life, will be swallowed up by an eternal life so incomprehensible, so radiant, that looking at it form this side casts everything else into shadow.<br />
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Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1953637111624680294.post-5287410205233358042015-02-03T21:12:00.002-06:002015-02-03T21:12:43.466-06:00tornadoes <div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cold, bright days like today are one of winter's few crowning glories. The warmth of the sun on my face juxtaposed with the crisp, stinging air stirs up a thousand beginnings to stories I could never have the time to write. Today feels like it could give birth to some great adventure. The gray, rainy days of weeks past weigh heavily on the soul, and not just because of the vitamin D deficit. They are a reminder of the heaviness of sin, the fullness of the burden we carry that taints every thought and word and deed like so many muddy footprints in my foyer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Spring is coming, bringing with it the promise of those wild storms we can get here in the South. California has earthquakes, Florida has hurricanes, but here we have tornadoes. Wild beasts of wind borne of the clash between hot and cold air, they dish out judgment with vengeful fury. The violence and randomness of their destruction inspires a peculiar mix of awe and fear. Most of us will never actually see a tornado, but the paths they leave are unmistakable. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The memory of elementary school tornado drills has been bouncing around my head. I can still remember what it's like crouched up against a wall with hands protecting the neck and trying to shift your weight so your feet don't fall asleep. Mere minutes of practice left me with the sole thought that I'd rather risk dying than spend more time on my knees feeling that dreadful tingling make its way down my legs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have been uncommonly short of words lately. Although I'd like to blame it on the work load, a shoulder injury, or traveling with students, I really can't. I just haven't had words, and that does not bode well for the state of my heart. Although I still struggle to find those words, I finally found that the picture of me stuck in tornado drill position portrays exactly how I feel.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Experiencing pain and brokenness in close relationships, losing Smudge, single parenting - a perfect trifecta for emotional retreat. I have been receding from community so slowly, I hardly realized it was happening. But the tingling effects of emotional and spiritual numbness have been working their way up my soul. Actively resisting quiet times is unusual for me, but I've been pushing even God away, despite his overt tenderness and compassion towards my stubborn heart.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Reading 1 Corinthians this morning, I came across this little nugget in verses 37-38:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When you sow, you do
not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of
something else. But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">February, with its unpredictable weather, its crazy lows and highs ushering in the first hint of spring storms to come, is the month I plant the little dried snap pea seeds in the ground. They'll weather the final frosts of the year with sober dignity, peeping their brave little heads above the soil in early March. My prayers and reading and studying feel like the hard wrinkled edges of that snap pea seed. Worthless and dead, dried and hardened to protect the faintest promise of life. But the promise is there, however lifeless it may seem at the moment. When those tiny buds pop their heads out of the ground into the blustery spring storms, they won't have any more hard edges to protect them from the blasting winds; they'll have something better, a supple grace to not only survive the violent winds of a passing tornado but also in the midst of the chaos to bear the delicate purple blooms that will birth life giving fruit. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So is his promise to me, despot my stubborn resistance:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So will it be with the
resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised
imperishable;<b> </b>it is sown in
dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power;<b> </b>it is sown a natural body, it is raised a
spiritual body. (1 Corinthians 15:42-44)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My new prayer is to submit to that grace at work in me, to trust the mystery, and give myself over to him who has promised to clothe me with immortality.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">1 Corinthians 15:51-58</span></blockquote>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Listen, I tell you a
mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—<b> </b>in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the
last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable,
and we will be changed.<b> </b>For the perishable
must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.<b> </b>When the perishable has been clothed with the
imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written
will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Where, O death, is
your victory? <span style="font-size: 7pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Where, O death, is
your sting?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The sting of death is
sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the
victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Therefore, my dear
brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves
fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is
not in vain.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--></blockquote>
Wendy Stallingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14748461929635752357noreply@blogger.com0